Tag: self help

Being yourself…and liking it

Do you like yourself?

I’d like to say that I do, but I don’t. I don’t remember over having done so. Even as a small child I can remember telling my mum that if I were someone else, I wouldn’t be friends with me. I was seven years old, and already convinced that I wasn’t good enough. I didn’t understand when my mum got upset, but I hated seeing her cry, so I never mentioned it again. But I never stopped thinking it. Even when I wasn’t in the grips of depression, I still hugely disliked the person I was. Of course, I realise that depression magnified these feelings, and that past experiences definitely contributed to low feelings of self worth, but I always thought that this baseline ‘dislike of self’ was normal.

During a chat with a friend one day I said “nobody likes themselves” (or something similar – I don’t understand how people can quote conversations word for word months/years after the fact!). His reply that this wasn’t true, that most people were at least ok with themselves even if they weren’t completely in love, startled me. Subsequent conversations about the idea of self worth have been a revelation. I had never really thought about how extreme my thoughts about myself were. It was when I started unpacking them, thinking about the whys, and trying to think things through rationally, that I realised that this was a big problem for me.

Once, at an appointment, out of the blue, a therapist shared something with me. Based on our past conversations, she’d written a list of positive things about me. As she read them, I felt tears begin to fall, and I couldn’t make them stop. When she asked me why I was crying, I couldn’t answer. I’ve been thinking about it a lot since then, and I’m still not entirely sure why I got so upset, but I know it had quite a bit to do with my own attitude to myself. This is something I’ve been working on a lot lately. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Changing thought processes takes time, and a lot of hard work. It’s a huge struggle to maintain the level of effort needed to make lasting changes. I fall short a lot of the time. But I am working on it.

I know that the way I’ve felt is pretty extreme, and that not everyone feels like I have. However, through conversation, I have discovered that a lot of people seem afraid to like themselves (or at least to admit to liking themselves). We’re told by society that it is wrong to think ‘too much’ of ourselves. Being accused of loving oneself is seen an insult. Girls (and boys…and women and men and all the wonderful non binary folks) stand in front of the mirror, listing all the things that are ‘wrong’ with their bodies. Job interviews are a struggle to find a balance between showing our strengths and selling ourselves, and being self depreciating enough to avoid the appearance of boasting.

Of course, I do realise that there is a line between liking who you are and thinking that you’re the best and most important person in the world. Narcissism is a hugely unattractive personality trait. But it would be great if more people felt that it was ok to openly think and say positive things about themselves.

So. Have a think. Do you like yourself? Are you at least ok with yourself? Do you automatically put yourself down? Or do you see the good in yourself (as well as the bad – nobody’s perfect!). Also, do you allow the people around you the space to feel good about themselves? If you’re a parent, or spend time around children and young people, it is especially important to model this kind of behaviour. It’s much easier to develop a good self image when young, and retain it, than to change thought patterns as an adult. And how a person views themself can have either a negative or positive effect on how they live their life. Believe me, I know.

Self harm procrastination

*This post is about stopping self harm, so it does make mention of it. There are no details, and what I have to say may even be helpful, but please be safe.

Many people keep track of how long it has been since they self harmed. Some people thrive on this, enjoying the feeling of achievement they get from seeing the numbers. But for some people, this just piles on added pressure and feelings of shame and guilt when they have to start again from the beginning. I am one of those people.

In my life, I have had more than my fair share of ‘last times’. When my self harm had moved from coping strategy to (extremely) bad habit, I tried to stop. A lot. I’d tell myself that this would be the ‘last time’. That I was never, ever, ever going to hurt myself, ever again. Two or three days later, the resolve would be gone, and I would be craving the feeling of release that it gave me. So I’d hurt myself. And feel even more of a failure than I had to begin with.

It wasn’t until I changed the way I thought about stopping that I successfully managed to stop habitually self harming. They say you should play to your strengths, and at that time, if there was one thing I was good at, it was procrastinating. I was always putting things off. So, instead of the idea of a ‘last time’, I began thinking more in terms of ‘not now’. This self harm procrastination meant that whenever I had the urge to harm myself, I pushed it away, crucially not thinking that I would never do it ever again, but that I wouldn’t do it in the next 5, 10 or 15 minutes. When that time was over, I’d repeat the process.

‘Not now’ lasted a long time. Making the conscious decision to postpone harming myself after years of relying on self harm to cope was tough. And there were many times that I did harm myself. But I would always go back to procrastinating. Eventually I could think ‘not today’. And if you can get through one day, why not another? It was always a struggle, and the feeling never went away completely, but I have managed to change my relationship with self harm.

Because I didn’t have a ‘last time’, I have no idea how long it’s been, but I know it has been a while. Learning new ways to release tension and self soothe has been a happy consequence of my self harm procrastination. That said, in times of high stress I do sometimes long for the relief it could bring. But I think the good thing for me is, by thinking ‘not now’, and ‘not today’, I don’t have a last time, not as such. So there’s no pressure. It’s an ongoing project. I’m an ongoing project. We all are.